These past few weeks have been an interesting journey for me. But I feel
like that it's been building up to this point in my life where things are
finally making sense. I also feel like the path of my past has helped me understand
my future a bit more clearer. And the reasons for the choices I have made give me a sense
of knowing where I belong. Only oneself knows where they belong, not another
person can do that. Another person can influence another's journey, but will never
change that person's path. Now if one does influence another's journey, it
should be only for the better and not to tear that person's individual path down. I will never tear down another person's way of living or steer them away from their
own journey. That is just morally and ethically wrong and disrespectful. I have
been taught and is imprinted in my mind 'Treat others as you want to be
treated.'
I should go back to beginning, where it began for me. When I left
the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I sensed that I should not
be there. Though, I did attempt to try to stay, but I felt it was not beneficial for me
to keep going to church. I love the church and all of its teachings. But
my mind, heart, and soul was not in sync. My mind was quavering about belief,
my heart was struggling to understand, and my soul need to fly. Now when I left
the church, it wasn't about history or facts pertaining to the church (because
I never researched until after the fact for a little bit and a lot more in the
present day). It was because I would see people going to church and not necessarily follow the teachings. I was a part of the going and not doing people. And I knew if it kept on that
path I would not gain the knowledge I needed for myself. So I needed to decide if I wanted to
stay in the church or leave it. I was one of those fence people wanting the
best of both worlds. I was tired of the tug-o-war going through me, so I left. I knew by making a decision I would grow. There were
repercussions from family and friends, mostly not understanding why I left. But
did they really need to know why I left? No. It's my personal journey. And I do
know that my journey may or may not affect theirs, but only for growth.
In the first years upon leaving, people would ask me why I
left. I would say "because it wasn't true". I realize now by saying that, it was a 'cop out' for me.
Because 'truth' is a complicated word in itself. And that one word can have a
big impact. Also during my time in being inactive, I was also faced with the idea
of resigning from the church, like writing a letter. There were people close to
me that did it, and they said it was easy and they were glad or happier now. But I just couldn't. I didn't know
for sure, in the back of my mind, if it was where I still needed to be or not. And then hearing that the
Presidency of the church count the inactive members with the active members was
disheartening, but I realized that the leaders before them have done the same
thing. It's tradition and it's hard to break. I understand that now.
In the past few years I haven't really thought about religion.
But in the last week or two a close friend of mine said something about the
church leaders and I didn't catch myself casually agreeing without
understanding the whole first. I realized later that I need to put myself in check. I'm usually the
type that likes to know the information before actually giving my opinion. Then
later that week, I had a dream. I dream a lot, and I remember most of my dreams
and sometimes I don't. But this dream was a bit shocking because it was me asking about God. I don't recall ever asking in my dreams about that specifically. So while I was asking about God in my dreams, I was laying comfortably on a man that I knew I can trust. I thought it was odd
because I have never had a dream like that, ever. At least to my memory. So I
shook it off, that was until I got home from catching up with a really good friend of
mine. The conversation he and I had is personal but to give an idea: we talked
about life, relationships, and religion. Yes, we talked about religion, more
like he did and I listened. I learned about him, and myself. What you need to
know is that he and I have never really discussed religion in the years of knowing one another. We perhaps made assumptions
of each other about it. But this night brought me new eyes about him and the things he said pertaining to the church. And when I got home
and sat down on a chair, I realized that the dream earlier in the week I had was God telling me to
wake up. I probably was in a 'dream state' for so long that He knew what I needed to
hear and from who.
D&C 88:118 And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.
So now I wanted to know why I left the church for the reason I
'thought' I did: That the church isn't true. And in the past week, I have read many blogs, articles, stories, comments, opinions, views, perspectives, journeys, and so on. I learned the history of the church and the oppositions of The Book of Mormon, those didn't
dissuade me. They were in fact enlightening because I have a clear mind. A clear
mind meaning one that wants to learn. One that is open to interpretations of
everything that is read and said in researching. And yes people have their
perspective and interpretations, but that's all it is, their own. I didn't let
that pressure me to think their way; I read it and see that theirs wasn't wrong;
it just isn't my way of interpretation. I understand their view but I don't
view it the same.
So as I move ahead towards my new perspective and mentality of the
LDS church, I look forward to a relief society activity coming up that will
hopefully confirm my realization that God is always watching over me.
Side note: This is a great article to read
