TO LOVE AND PROTECT

I have dated many men in my life that have given me many moments of heartbreak but they have also showed me many romantic gestures that still give me hope. I was nineteen or twenty at the time and I met a guy through one of my best friends. She was dating a guy and she thought his roommate and I would hit it off. We did and actually liked each other a lot.

His name, as most of his friends called him, was Shaka. He was from California and loved to surf. I don’t remember to this day why he was in Utah but maybe it was for me to see what it feels to be truly loved and care about by a man even for a brief time. There was a night where we were all at the house where the guys lived and there was a group of guys who had made a ruckus with the guys before decided that tonight was the night to start something rough. Those guys tried to make their way into the house. The guys of the house protected us and eventually the other guys left. I don’t exactly remember what happened but I do remember when Shaka and I were alone.

He had his face in his hands and I knew something was up. I sat down next to him and asked him what was wrong. He said he was scared that I would get hurt. His eyes were welling with tears and it touched my heart. That was the first time I had ever encountered someone who I liked a lot that was scared for me because he cared. I held him in my arms and knew this is what it should feel like, genuine warmth.

A few weeks later, he ended up moving back to California. I didn’t want him to leave but I knew that our time wasn’t going to last long. I appreciate the time with him to this day because it was my first glimpse of romance. It meant so much to me that moment of him opening up and telling me he was scared of my well-being and didn’t want anything bad to happen to me. It is something that has always stuck with me and I look back at it in knowing what I deserve: to be loved and protected.

Love is to be nurtured, protected, and respected, and entered into with a clear mind and a sound heart. ~Denene Millner

STRUGGLING AFTER THE DEGREE

I have struggled to get a start on my career since graduation. I have decided two careers that mean a lot to me. The first one is an editor and the second one is a teacher. It's not hard to decide on one that I want more because I have a love and passion for editing. However, I feel like both would fulfill my desires and love of English.

When it comes to becoming an editor, I have a love to editing text and making sure it's error free. I feel like I have always had a knack in making sure texts are up to par before publication. I have copy edited product manuals and company procedures as well as edited texts (verbatims) in surveys.

The first draft is black and white. Editing gives the story color. 

~ Emma Hill

Then there is the direction of being a teacher. I have always loved writing since taking a creative writing class in junior high school which lead me to want to become a teacher. This would be more so in the college level than secondary. However, I have been given a lot of advice from those who are close to me to become a teacher. It can become a bit unnecessary but I know they have the best interest in mind.

It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken joy in creative expression and knowledge. 

~Albert Einstein

If I had to choose one career over the other, it would be becoming an editor. I just have a love of correcting and proofing texts and design in making it the best it can be before being exposed to the public eye. It has become hard to get into this career because I don't have a lot of experience. I feel discriminated because of that and not taken seriously for I feel like I have a natural ability to edit to bring to the table. I am hoping a hiring manager can see my passion and love for editing and take that incredible chance of me that they will not regret.

I still want to be a professor, which means I will need a Master's Degree. This is something I am still in research of and will accomplish in my future. I need to pinpoint the degree that will best accomplish my future goals and I have yet to figure that one out beyond editing and teaching.

I feel like I want to do so much in life but also feel held back by not having accomplished getting into the editing field. I have applied to a few jobs this past month in editing positions and always hope to hear back saying I got the job. On one I applied to I was passed over once again. Now onto wondering on the other one if I am hired or passed over again.

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY CONTINUES

Ever since I was a younger girl, I was taught that being in a religion is important. It also became my identity when I was older. When that happened, I knew something was wrong. I couldn't figure out if that was my fault for that default of thinking or that I wasn't experiencing enough beyond my religion. I think the religion I grew up in has its pros and cons, and I am thankful for being raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am just saddened to know and come to realize that over ten years of leaving the church and coming back again to gain spiritual growth that people go to church based for appearance and tradition.

I know when before I left that I went out of tradition. It was something I had done for years and leaving it seemed like a strange concept. However, I am glad and appreciate my time away from the LDS church and have gained so much knowledge of myself about with who I am and want to be. Everyone has their reasons for leaving, returning, and dispraising all or parts of religion. I had my reason for leaving and returning. I also had my reason for dispraising of the religion I grew up in. I already wrote in previous posts on my reason for leaving and returning, but I haven't spoken about my reasons for dispraising the LDS church.

I felt the spirit many times before I began going back to church. Once I began to go back to church, I could slowly feel the spirit there. It wasn't different than before I came back. It wasn't the same either. It was new but the same. I had grown and matured over the years to help me come to the realization that any experience I have, whether at church or elsewhere, can be spiritual to a degree in what we put into it and what we want from it. I felt the spirit stronger learning about the church and reading articles than I did going to church. I also feel the spirit strong while vocally and silently praying to God. I was feeling the spirit in a new but not different form. I know that I was prompted to go back to church to reconnect with those that I have always been close to in church and with family and friends. I believe God wanted me to see the LDS church in a new light than I had years before. He most definitely changed my perspective.

However, I went to church for about four months before I stopped going. I don't think God is mad at me for not going. He knows I am continually learning about myself. It was a combination of many things in my life. I do try to go to church, but sleep has always been more important to me that going to church for three hours. I love seeing my friends there and learning about myself spiritually. I just feel like it was put on hold in some aspect. Like I said earlier, life got in the way. Don't get me wrong, I didn't stop going because of lack of believing. I believe church function has good intentions of spiritual growth among each person, but I don't believe that religion should be anyone's top priority. It just feels like that the religion I knew is stuck in the past.

When I mean stuck in the past, I am saying that I feel that religion, especially the LDS church, is not progressive. Its Orthodox ways are holding back the spiritual growth of so many individuals who love the LDS church. I fall in that area. The LDS church is becoming such a big organization where word is word, and there is not to dispute that. However, words can be interpreted differently with every single person because of their growth spiritually and through experiences. This may be the English major coming out of me because of what I learned while in college. I just sense that what is said from script or mouth will always me misconstrued. This post may even be miscued to someone or many, and that is alright.

Now I am not saying religion is deceptive or manipulative. It is an individual decision to go to church or not, to believe words or not, and/or to grow spiritually or not. We have our choice (free agency). I do love many things about the LDS church. That is a surprising fact, which a good friend of mine can take credit of for opening my eyes months before me returning. This is why it's good to have friends. I believe he opened the door to my mind on religion and the free agency within it. I am not going to divulge into that, but I do know that experiences are a big step in spiritual and/or self growth. I never knew that months later I would be returning back to the LDS church for spiritual growth. It still amazes me to this day. It also saddens me that the person who was unintentionally the nudge of my return is not in my life as of this present day. I miss this person so much.

Anyway, I did not write this to sway you about anything but to open your eyes on my perspective of religion. It does not matter to me whether you believe my words to be true to you or not. They are true to me, the writer, author, and individual. I just want you to know that my reasons for going to church or not may or may not align with yours. That is fine with me. I just hope it is fine with you, my reader, whoever you may be. I write this to those who know me and those who don't.

STEP BY STEP

Psalm 46:5 God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns.

I really shouldn’t be surprised that the message at the RS activity touched me. The bishop gave a simple yet powerful message about how God is within us always. That he knows our prayers within our heart even before we say them. That he comforts us even when we don’t realize it happening sometimes. God’s love for us can become overwhelming, for me anyways. I always feel his love, especially lately. And he definitely knows that I know this is where I am meant to be in life.

When I arrived at the RS activity, I knew I was going to be welcomed with open arms and many hugs.  This is the ward I grew up in, and I know most of the people. It was nice seeing them again, and even better knowing that I am home. And I realized by talking to a few of them that I was meant to be there. Odd as it may sound; I know that God works through us all. It may be a little conversation, a hug that some may have needed, or even words of encouragement. You never know how powerful you can be for someone.

Then a few weeks later, I finally went to church. I say finally because it was ward conference the Sunday after the RS activity. And the following Sunday was stake conference. I probably should have gone to stake conference because what I heard on Sunday in sacrament, the GA Russell M. Nelson spoke wonderful words of encouragement and love. Sacrament was not overwhelming, but that’s probably because I arrived super late and only listened to the last few speakers. And what I did hear was comforting in knowing people do have similar experiences like mine.

The last two hours were good. It was nice having someone I am close to sit next to me in the class and RS, because the last time I went to church was with my mother. It felt kind of weird not being with her when I was there. But I know most everyone there, and they are like family to me in a way. So going back to church was not hard. It was a whole difference experience than what I remembered. Then again, about a decade makes a difference, and so does growth.

Ezekiel 36:26-27 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. 

Just a thought I had while at the RS activity: I would suggest that if you can't make it to church on Sunday, whether you are sick, just couldn’t make it, or working, to spend whatever time you can spiritually learning. Who knows, that small amount of time may help make your week better and keep your outlook in life more positive. No matter where you are in life though, God is always with you. 

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

These past few weeks have been an interesting journey for me. But I feel like that it's been building up to this point in my life where things are finally making sense. I also feel like the path of my past has helped me understand my future a bit more clearer. And the reasons for the choices I have made give me a sense of knowing where I belong. Only oneself knows where they belong, not another person can do that. Another person can influence another's journey, but will never change that person's path. Now if one does influence another's journey, it should be only for the better and not to tear that person's individual path down. I will never tear down another person's way of living or steer them away from their own journey. That is just morally and ethically wrong and disrespectful. I have been taught and is imprinted in my mind 'Treat others as you want to be treated.' 

I should go back to beginning, where it began for me. When I left the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I sensed that I should not be there. Though, I did attempt to try to stay, but I felt it was not beneficial for me to keep going to church. I love the church and all of its teachings. But my mind, heart, and soul was not in sync. My mind was quavering about belief, my heart was struggling to understand, and my soul need to fly. Now when I left the church, it wasn't about history or facts pertaining to the church (because I never researched until after the fact for a little bit and a lot more in the present day). It was because I would see people going to church and not necessarily follow the teachings. I was a part of the going and not doing people. And I knew if it kept on that path I would not gain the knowledge I needed for myself. So I needed to decide if I wanted to stay in the church or leave it. I was one of those fence people wanting the best of both worlds. I was tired of the tug-o-war going through me, so I left. I knew by making a decision I would grow. There were repercussions from family and friends, mostly not understanding why I left. But did they really need to know why I left? No. It's my personal journey. And I do know that my journey may or may not affect theirs, but only for growth. 

In the first years upon leaving, people would ask me why I left. I would say "because it wasn't true". I realize now by saying that, it was a 'cop out' for me. Because 'truth' is a complicated word in itself. And that one word can have a big impact. Also during my time in being inactive, I was also faced with the idea of resigning from the church, like writing a letter. There were people close to me that did it, and they said it was easy and they were glad or happier now. But I just couldn't. I didn't know for sure, in the back of my mind, if it was where I still needed to be or not. And then hearing that the Presidency of the church count the inactive members with the active members was disheartening, but I realized that the leaders before them have done the same thing. It's tradition and it's hard to break. I understand that now. 

In the past few years I haven't really thought about religion. But in the last week or two a close friend of mine said something about the church leaders and I didn't catch myself casually agreeing without understanding the whole first. I realized later that I need to put myself in check. I'm usually the type that likes to know the information before actually giving my opinion. Then later that week, I had a dream. I dream a lot, and I remember most of my dreams and sometimes I don't. But this dream was a bit shocking because it was me asking about God. I don't recall ever asking in my dreams about that specifically. So while I was asking about God in my dreams, I was laying comfortably on a man that I knew I can trust. I thought it was odd because I have never had a dream like that, ever. At least to my memory. So I shook it off, that was until I got home from catching up with a really good friend of mine. The conversation he and I had is personal but to give an idea: we talked about life, relationships, and religion. Yes, we talked about religion, more like he did and I listened. I learned about him, and myself. What you need to know is that he and I have never really discussed religion in the years of knowing one another. We perhaps made assumptions of each other about it. But this night brought me new eyes about him and the things he said pertaining to the church. And when I got home and sat down on a chair, I realized that the dream earlier in the week I had was God telling me to wake up. I probably was in a 'dream state' for so long that He knew what I needed to hear and from who.

D&C 88:118 And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith. 

So now I wanted to know why I left the church for the reason I 'thought' I did: That the church isn't true. And in the past week, I have read many blogs, articles, stories, comments, opinions, views, perspectives, journeys, and so on. I learned the history of the church and the oppositions of The Book of Mormon, those didn't dissuade me. They were in fact enlightening because I have a clear mind. A clear mind meaning one that wants to learn. One that is open to interpretations of everything that is read and said in researching. And yes people have their perspective and interpretations, but that's all it is, their own. I didn't let that pressure me to think their way; I read it and see that theirs wasn't wrong; it just isn't my way of interpretation. I understand their view but I don't view it the same. 

So as I move ahead towards my new perspective and mentality of the LDS church, I look forward to a relief society activity coming up that will hopefully confirm my realization that God is always watching over me.

Side note: This is a great article to read

http://religionnews.com/2013/10/05/lds-leader-dieter-uchtdorf-addresses-leave-mormon-fold/